After swimsuit shopping last night, I realize I need another goal and fast. I have got to lose weight. So I’m appealing to you, my dear followers, to please offer suggestions. What would you like to see me do next?
Last night after deciding I needed a new swimsuit for the summer, I spent the evening in what I knew could be a fruitless search. I entered the swimsuit portion of a large department store, and wondered if I was in the teenager section. Everything looked so tiny, but as I made my way across the floor, the swimsuits did become larger. Someone had thoughtfully separated the size 18 and larger swimsuit dresses from the size zero bikinis. I grabbed about twenty different styles and sizes of swimsuits and headed to the dressing room, quickly passing the “Limit your selections to 6” sign.
What followed was very much like Goldilocks and the Three Bears. The first swimsuit I tried on was too small. The next one I tried on was too big and the third one was just right. Then something happened that still gives me shivers.
The first swimsuit I put on was a sexy little number. Emphasis on little. Not that it was a bikini. We are way past that era. This was a red and orange and purple diagonally striped halter top that showed a lot of cleavage, combined with tight, red, short-shorts. The swimsuit clung to my curves, which according to my husband are in all the right places. I couldn’t decide if I looked very hot, or because of my large size, very awful!
I moved on to something more grandmotherly. I put on the swimsuit dress and pictured myself playing in the pool with my grandchildren. I then tried on a cover up but it covered the same amount of skin as the swimsuit dress. With a swimsuit dress do you need a cover up?
So while trying to decide if I wanted to go sexy or grandmotherly, I tried on another suit. The next one was a conservative navy suit with a cute top that covered what I wanted covered and a little skirt to match. The skirt wasn’t as long as the grandmother dress and not as tight as the sexy number. Perfect. I should have stopped there.
But no. I had my eye on a stunning orange-red suit. It was a two piece, like a tankini and had a tag that said “Lose Inches”. It hung so beautifully on the hanger. I just knew this was the miracle suit that would make me look like a model when I wore it. I put on the bottoms and they fit. I pulled the top off the hanger and double checked the size, 38D. Good to go. I slipped it on. Well, not really. I guess we’re past the “slipping it on” era too. I pulled and tugged and the more difficult it became the more determined I became. I was going to get into this miracle suit doggone it! Just like the tag told me, the cup size fit perfectly, but everything below that felt like a size two! I was “losing inches” by the minute, as well as air. It was terribly constricting and I started to panic. I would have screamed if I physically could have. To save my life, I had to get this suit off quick. I crossed my arms, grabbed the bottom of the top and pulled up. It came up two inches and became stuck just under my 38Ds. I wiggled and writhed until I was able to get one side of the suit, up and over one breast, but now my left arm was stuck under the suit. I couldn’t move at all!
“Oh my goodness, I’m going to have to call EMS.” I blurted out.
A young girl in the next dressing room asked, “Mam? Are you okay?
I couldn’t answer. I had inched the suit up and it was still stuck on one breast but was now also strapped around my face. In a true panic now, I thrashed about wildly, bouncing from one wall to the other and finally landed on the floor. I was laid out across the floor with my legs stretched under the wall into the young girl’s dressing room. I think this must have scared her. She ran out to get a sales clerk.
I finally managed to remove myself from the suit and was beginning to get dressed when the sales clerk ran up excitedly and knocked on my door.
“Can I help you?”
I opened the door, stuck my arm out with my hand clinching the conservative navy suit. “Yes. I’ll take this one!”
wowareyoukiddingme 